How to Motivate an Unmotivated Child

Your child can spend hours gaming, scrolling, or making plans with friends, yet act personally offended when you ask for help around the house. It is easy to assume they are lazy or simply do not care, but motivation cannot be manufactured through reminders, lectures, or threats. It grows when children see a clear connection between what they do now and something they genuinely value later.

In this episode, Sue and Randee share three practical ways to motivate an unmotivated child without constant nagging or power struggles. You will learn how to put responsibility before fun, connect daily effort to a goal your child actually cares about, and step back so they can build accountability and confidence through experience.

Hi everyone and happy to have you here listening to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast, where we take the mystery and the yelling out of modern parenting with practical tools that you can use right away. I’m Sue and with me is Randee, and whether you’re deep in the toddler tantrums navigating tween and teen drama or somewhere in between, you’ll get clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. It would mean so much if you could like, comment, or share this episode so we can help find more parents figuring everything out the hard way.

Why Your Child Seems Unmotivated

You know how kids can spend three hours gaming, scrolling, or reorganizing their entire social calendar, but then the minute that you ask, can you vacuum the kitchen, they look personally offended like you’re asking for a kidney donation. There comes a time when we start wondering, is my child just lazy, unmotivated, or allergic to effort? A common question that I get from parents is, how do I get my kid to care? And honestly, that question will make you crazy because you can’t manufacture motivation or inject ambition into anybody else. But you can change the structure around your child so that responsibility begins to matter to them.

And that is what we’re doing today. I don’t believe most kids are lazy. I think that they haven’t been given a reason to care yet, and they haven’t experienced the connection to doing something difficult now to get something they value later.

So instead, we repeat the same motivational speeches that our parents gave us. You know, nothing comes easy without hard work. Or when I was your age, and my personal favorite was always, you know, put your best foot forward.

And oh, how my daughter really hated that one. Mom, you know, that’s so annoying. But in parents speak, put your best foot forward was really my polite way of saying, get off your butt, do something productive, and try to look halfway presentable while you’re doing it.

And what I really wanted to say was don’t be lazy, you know, but that’s not going to be inspiring any transformations. So and here’s the full circle moment, is that after years of my daughter rolling her eyes at me, I recently heard her tell someone else to put their best foot forward. So the lesson either finally landed or I’m living rent free in her head.

And you know what, either way, I’m winning.

Three Strategies That Put Motivation Back in Their Hands

Today’s episode is how to motivate an unmotivated child. Three powerful parenting strategies that work.

These are three practical steps that move your child’s motivation out of your hands and into theirs. We take what kids already care about, like screens, gaming, friends, phones, the car, and more freedom. And we connect those things to their responsibility.

So what’s meaningful to them comes after they do what they need to do. And I call this earned access. So instead of how do I make my child care, it’s what does my child want bad enough that their choices begin to matter.

And when kids are young, that might be more screen time or going out with friends. But as they grow up, it becomes a phone, a car, a job, more independence, or a future that they don’t want to lose because they didn’t prepare for it. Motivation will grow when kids understand this one simple truth.

What I do now affects what I get later. It’s basically teaching delayed gratification with an intentional structure. A quick example that kind of illustrates this is that two of our kids wanted to fly in the military.

And that future goal gave us something real to work with. At 14, they both got jobs. They started saving for their private pilot’s license.

And that was an investment of about $5,000 or $6,000 that we expected them to pay for themselves. Wanting to fly also gave their everyday choices more weight. Their grades mattered to them.

Their physical fitness mattered to them. Staying out of trouble mattered to them. And how they spent their time and who they spent it with mattered to them, not just to us.

We didn’t have to invent a new lecture every week to light the fire under their butt. We connected the choices they made that day to the future they had chosen. So if this is what you want, what does that require from you now? That’s one of the unexpected benefits of helping kids develop goals at any age.

An exciting future doesn’t just give them something to dream about. It gives today’s effort and hard work a purpose. Kids are motivated when they have some skin in the game.

Something that they want bad enough that make their choices today matter. And these are three ways to help you get your child there. Number one, they earn the fun.

Number two, they connect today’s effort to the bigger goal. And number three, we move out of the driver’s seat and hand ownership back to them. Yeah, I love this topic and that we’re talking about this.

And I also really love that you said that you don’t think most kids are lazy and that they just haven’t like had the experience to, you know, connect to doing something difficult now to get the value later. Because I also think that that is true. I’ve kind of come to that, you know, on my own as well.

Well, you know, hearing so many people say like kids are lazy and blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, you know, I think there’s probably something more to this. And like my daughter does martial arts and I was never interested in martial arts as a kid.

But I’m so glad that she’s doing it because this is exactly part of, you know, what goes on in martial arts and like kind of what they teach as well. And like she’s on her way to earning a black belt and talk about delayed gratification. That’s like four years of work to get to just the first black belt.

And, you know, if you want to continue. So and her specific instructors really do talk about this a lot. So I love that.

Yeah, because I don’t think it’s something that we often talk about a lot. And, you know, you mentioned, you know, they earn the fun. And it can be so easy as a parent today, you know, we’re so busy to fall into the pattern of letting kids, you know, start with the fun stuff.

And I mean, I know so many parents are just like up and out on the weekends. They’re so busy. And it’s like they’re up and out the door and all fun all day.

And then it’s like trying to pull them away when something needs to get done. And for me, I think we all know as parents, that’s usually when the arguing starts threatening to take things away. So I’m really curious, how can parents get started with the practical steps you’re talking about if they do want to make a change? Well, that’s funny.

That reminds me of when we when the kids were young, we always saw these Disney dads. And, you know, Disney moms and dads on the weekend, they were just like, okay, we’re scheduling fun. And we’re filling up every moment on the weekend, they did not feel like they were being the best parents unless they had the kids really busy.

And I do talk about a strategy of being productively busy to kind of keep kids from getting into trouble or hanging out with a friend. So, you know, so productively busy means, you know, you’re choosing a hobby or something to be doing that is their choice, but that I’m supporting and, you know, investing in in terms of driving them in there. But, but it’s different like that those spaces in between of any downtime, like they just don’t want to have any of that downtime.

I don’t know. So yes, I agree that we saw a lot of the parents doing that. And I was like, I’m not Julie, the cruise director, you’re going to be bored, you’re going to be able to find something to do.

Strategy One Make Them Earn the Fun

But anyway, so earned access is step number one, they earn the fun. And I do have a process that I teach in my workshops called earning access. You know, we want kids to understand this one simple idea.

The good stuff comes after the necessary stuff. What you do today affects your life tomorrow. And I know those sound like just fun words, but we’re going to teach you how to structure that.

Reverse the Order to Avoid Power Struggles

Most of us unknowingly parent this backwards. Kids wake up, they start their day, they’re playing, they’re gaming, they’re scrolling, and they’re making plans. Then once we’re frustrated because the dog poop is still in the yard or the toys are everywhere or homework hasn’t been touched yet, we then interrupt the fun and demand the responsibility.

We sound like this, turn that iPad off and unload the dishwasher, you know, get off your phone and clean your room, or you’re not going anywhere until that car is washed and vacuumed like we talked about. And now we’ve created the power struggle. We’re walking right through ground zero.

To them, it feels like something is being taken away. But as parents, we feel ignored and like our kids don’t care. And suddenly now everybody’s yelling over a dishwasher that isn’t emptied when it could have just been avoided.

Earned fun simply reverses the order. Responsibility first, fun and freedom second, after they earn it. You’re not taking anything away.

Your child gains access to what they want after taking care of what needs to be done. Now this does require a little planning on your part. You’ll want to decide ahead of time what the responsibilities are, what the goals are, what needs to be completed, and what your child earns access to afterward when it’s done.

You want to make sure that it’s clear enough to your child that you don’t need to follow them around all day. You’ll have it planned up front what needs to get done for that day. You make sure it gets done and then they earn the fun.

It’s just reversing the order so that we’re not piercing that fun bubble after they’ve already been with their friend or after they’re already gaming or they’re in the middle of something.

Use When Then Language at Every Age

And this can sound different at different ages. So when this is for like a young child, you could say, you know, when your toys are picked up, the tablet is available.

You know, when you’re dressed and your teeth are brushed, then we can play. And for like an elementary age, it could be when your chores are finished, you’re free to game. Or when your backpack is packed and ready for tomorrow, you can have your screen time.

For middle school, it’s when your project and room are finished, then you can go to your friend’s house. And when the chores that we agreed on are done, your phone is available. For a teen, when the lawn is mowed, you can use the car.

And this is just a simple when, then approach. When this, then that. We’re baking in the responsibility and the chore ahead of time to earn the fun and the access later.

So to reformulate that in your home, you can say something like, instead of get off your game and do your homework, we talked about this, you need to get your homework done. What you would say is homework comes first. So after dinner, you know, hey, homework comes first, gaming is available when that’s finished.

And then, you know, check it, follow up, make sure they got it done. Instead of, if you don’t clean your room, I’m taking your phone. You can say your phone will be available after your room and bathroom are picked up.

It’s just finish what you need to do, and then you get access to what you want. Instead of, you’re not going anywhere until you help out around here. That’s really unspecific.

It’s unclear what you want from them. What does help around here mean? So you can say, once the chores that we agreed to are finished, you’re free to go. And again, that just requires a little bit of pre-planning on your part, but that is how we reverse the order and sidestep that power struggle.

There’s a difference in the structure and timing of this communication. You’re not threatening, you’re not punishing, you’re not getting dragged into an argument. You’re calmly putting life back in the right order.

Responsibility first and access after it’s earned. Freedom is not something that we hand out first and angrily take away later. It’s something that responsibility from your child unlocks.

You can begin this today with a quick family meeting. Hey, we’re switching some stuff around. You know, responsibilities that we have around the house get completed first, and then you’ll have access to your screens, your friends, your gaming, all the things that you enjoy.

And then hold the order without chasing, reminding, or turning it into a speech. Just simply execute. Say what your intention is, say what the goals are, say what needs to get done, and then make sure that you follow up with your child and make sure that it gets done, and then they earn the access.

Nothing helps a child finish a chore quite like knowing that the good stuff is waiting on the other side.

Strategy Two Connect Effort to a Bigger Goal

Okay, step two, help them set goals to help find the bigger reason why. Earned fun starts small.

You know, it teaches kids that when they take care of what needs to be done, they gain access to something they want. Chores first, then friends, responsibility, then comes freedom. Over time, kids begin to trust that order.

I do the necessary stuff now, and I can get to the good stuff later. But as kids get older, the motivation has to grow beyond just earning tonight’s screen time. They need something further down the road to care about, like dangling a carrot, okay? Something that they want to learn, experience, become, buy, earn, or protect.

Now we’re moving the goalpost out a little bit, and instead of only asking, what do you want today? We’re asking, what kind of future sounds exciting to you? And honestly, these conversations can start at any age. When one of our sons was seven, we took our family to a NASA launch, and we bought him an astronaut costume at the store. We weren’t mapping out his career at seven.

You know, we were just getting a kid a costume that he expressed interest in and exposing him to something bigger in life that, you know, he wouldn’t see it as everyday world. That experience planted a seed. Years later, his interest in flying gave him a real reason to work, to save money, to protect his health, and to make choices that kept his future open.

And that is the point of giving our kids something bigger to focus on. Kids rarely become motivated because we say, you need better grades, or you should work harder. Don’t waste your potential.

Those are our reasons. Having a bigger why gives the kids a reason all their own. Maybe they want to make a team, or buy a bike, or care for a pet, or get a driver’s license and travel.

Maybe they want to go to a certain college or trade school, or simply have enough money to buy freedom and make their own choices. The goal doesn’t need to impress anybody. It just needs to matter to them.

Help Them Work Backward From What They Want

Once your child identifies something they want, you can help them work backward. What would that require from you? What do you need to learn for that goal? How much would you need to save? And what’s one thing you could be doing now? Is there any way we can help you? So in the case of our kids that wanted to save for their pilot’s license, they had to do the research to find out how much that was. So they knew where they needed to get, and how when they started working, they had to take more hours.

That was their goal. That was all mapped out early. So now responsibility has a reason behind it, and school is no longer only about pleasing a teacher or avoiding an argument from mom and dad.

Saving money is no longer just because a parent said you should. Practicing a sport or instrument is no longer about being told to just try harder and practice more. Their effort will be tied to a goal that they chose.

Ask Questions That Connect Choices to Their Future

And now this is where our language changes. So now instead of saying you need to care more about your grades, that can become will this grade keep the opportunity that you want open? Now instead of you’re wasting all your money, it becomes is buying this worth waiting longer for what you said you wanted? And instead of saying you’re not making the best choices, it can become does this choice support the future that you said you wanted? When an exciting future is on the line, you know, teenagers, they push drinking and driving. And in the case of the two guys that wanted to be pilots, one DUI would have been enough to derail their entire future.

And is that worth it? And now it’s a third party endorsing good behavior and not just mom and dad lecturing. That’s the beauty of setting goals young. So you have access to that village out there who also helps hold your kid accountable.

Those questions will help make a kid stop and think we’re not telling them what to care about. We’re helping them see the connection between what they say they want and what they’re doing today. You can’t force a child to have passion, but you can help them discover it through their experiences, baking in responsibility to their everyday life.

Let them volunteer, help them write a resume for a first job, encourage them to join a team or take a class or build something, maybe even care for an animal. Their interest grows through those experiences. Most kids won’t discover what excites them in the future while sitting in the same room, staring at the same screen and living the same day on repeat.

Sometimes motivation doesn’t need another lecture from us. It just needs somewhere to go. Yeah, I love the examples you just gave of like the language changes that parents can use and say because I love it so much because it turns like what could be perceived as a lecture, right? I think sometimes our go-to responses can come off that way, even if we don’t mean it to, to open into questions, getting them to think about the bigger picture.

So that is definitely a piece of advice I’m taking with me today. One thing I wanted to ask you about though is, you know, I get caught up in this and I do see a lot of parents around me as well kind of getting caught up in like constant reminders, right? Like we’re constantly reminding our kids we think we’re being good parents and as kids get older, especially like it’s hard to keep track of that for one, right? And it keeps the responsibility with the parent. And I’ve started thinking about this for, you know, myself as well, as my kids are getting older, like what kind of responsibility can I hand back to them? Because I’m keeping all this stuff in my head.

And it’s like, as we, our kids get older and as parents, we just add more to our plate and, you know, you have all this stuff in your head and it can get very overwhelming. So again, in my experience as a parent and watching other parents, you know, I see us giving constant reminders or even just, you know, stepping in and doing something, you know, to just get things moving because we’re so busy. But we kind of end up in this endless hamster wheel of overwhelm on our part.

And then we’re frustrated and then kids are not handed, you know, responsibility. So how do parents start handing responsibility back, especially if they’ve been so used to stepping in or constant reminding their child all the time? We all fall into that pattern of reminding, you know, it’s just that we were how we were raised like that. And we feel like we’re doing them a favor.

Like if it weren’t for us reminding them, they might’ve forgotten. And, you know, all of those things that would have happened if we didn’t remind are all the things that are the lessons we’re skipping and the skills that we’re, that we’re, you know, kind of overlooking because kids need to be able to learn how to make mistakes, practice, evaluate decisions and fall, fall down and make sure that they figure out what needs to be decided.

Strategy Three Hand Responsibility Back to Your Child

So step three is to step back and hand over the wheel.

And here is a quick gut check. Is your child unmotivated or have you been doing too much for them? Have they learned if I wait, mom and dad will remind me, or if I complain, then they’ll just take over. If I forget something, they’ll bring it to me.

And if I do badly, they’ll just redo it. Most parents step in for understandable reasons. You know, it’s faster and it keeps things moving.

It avoids an argument. And honestly, it’s just harder parenting and we can do it better. But every time we remove the struggle, we also remove the chance for our child to discover, Oh, I can handle this.

Kids don’t become capable adults the day they turn 18. They have to get there by practicing, forgetting, messing up, fixing it, and then trying again. So once you’ve built responsibility into their day, hand some of it over.

Give Them Meaningful Jobs That Fully Belong to Them

Choose a few jobs that fully belong to your child, like feeding the pet, packing their own lunch, doing their own laundry, remembering their own sports equipment without rescue, and helping you with dinner. These jobs actually say to your kids, you matter here. We rely on your help and you are part of this family, not just a guest at an all-inclusive resort.

We need your help.

Teach the Skill and Define What Finished Means

Then train them. Show them how to do a job and what finished actually looks like.

A good job vacuuming looks like the chairs have been moved. There’s no dog hair left underneath the table. And oh, by the way, I need it done before you go to bed and before screen access.

Now it’s all set in motion and you just make sure, Oh, a good job means I can’t just do the places where we’re walking. Oh, you need me to move the chairs. You need me to get underneath the table.

So I gotta get all the dog hair. Okay. Got it.

Sometimes we think we’ve taught a skill when we’ve really just shouted instructions from another room.

Let Them Learn Through Imperfect Results

Then comes the hard part. Let them do it imperfectly because it may be done poorly or need to be redone, but you’re not going to, you’re just smiling and waving and just saying, Hey, thanks for your help.

Once you’ve taught the skill and made the expectation clear, your role changes. You move from the driver’s seat over to the passenger seat. You’re still available.

You’re just not grabbing the wheel every five minutes. Instead of reminding or fixing, you can just ask, what’s your plan? What have you already tried? And what happens if it doesn’t get done? And then let the result belong to them. They explain the missing assignment.

They sit out of the game because they forgot their equipment. They make the uncomfortable phone call and they have less spending money because they used it earlier. This is how we build accountability over time.

And this is how motivation and accountability is acquired over time. And once you’ve handed over the wheel, you can join me in the back seat where I still have plenty of opinions. Motivation won’t move into your child’s hands.

If responsibility is still sitting in yours. If you’re realizing that you’re reminding, rescuing, or doing more for your child than they actually need you to do, but you’re not sure what stepping back looks like in your home, I can help you. During a one-on-one support call, we’ll look at what’s really happening underneath your child’s behavior, where responsibility may have gotten a little off balance and what small shifts can help you and your child become more capable without creating the power struggle.

We could probably solve this in one quick hour. You’ll leave with practical next steps designed for your child and your family and the situation you’re dealing with. You can book a support call with me at askmomparenting.com forward slash coaching.

Thank you so much for listening and happy parenting.

Ready to Stop Reminding and Start Building Responsibility

If you are doing more reminding, rescuing, or managing than your child needs, Sue can help you identify what is happening underneath the behavior. In a one-on-one support call, you will look at where responsibility has gotten out of balance and leave with practical next steps designed for your child, your family, and the situation you are facing.

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