Child Safety Tips: What Kids Need to Know About Secrets, Pressure, and Unsafe Adults

Most child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows, which means the old ‘stranger danger’ talk is not enough. Kids also need to recognize secrecy, pressure, grooming behaviors, and the difference between someone who seems nice and someone who is safe.

In this episode, Sue and Randee explain how parents can build open communication, create a family safe word, teach children what to do when someone asks them to keep a secret, and give kids permission to trust their instincts and leave uncomfortable situations.

Hi everyone, and thanks for listening to the Ask Mom Parenting Podcast, where we take the mystery and the yelling out of modern parenting and offer real life help for parents. I’m Sue, and with me is Randee, and whether you’re deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you’ll get clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. Please help us reach any of your friends or family who you think might be looking for ways to be a more effective parent by sharing, liking, and commenting.

Why Stranger Danger Isn’t Enough

For a long time, I thought Stranger Danger was the child safety conversation. You know, don’t get in a car with strangers, don’t go anywhere with someone that you don’t know, don’t help someone find their lost puppy. Then I sat on our state’s grand jury assigned to the child sex assault cases, and I realized just how much of the real conversation is being left unsaid.

93% of children who experience sexual abuse know the person who abused them, and only about 7% of children were abused by strangers. That statistic comes from RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Their summary of the US Department of Justice data, and it reflects only cases that are reported to law enforcement, which means that it doesn’t account for every child who never gets the chance, the support, or the safety to tell someone about it.

My experience on the grand jury was an experience I never expected to have, and one I will not forget. Case after case, the same reality kept showing up. The abuser was rarely a stranger.

They were often someone the child knew, trusted, saw regularly, or had been taught to be polite around. And that’s why the safety conversation with our kids can no longer stop at the simple stranger danger speech. Most of us have had some version of that talk from our parents, like no adult should ever need to ask a child for help, or find their lost dog, or to pick you up from school.

Today, those words are the bare minimum of what your child needs to hear. Our kids also need to be shown how to recognize an adult who uses extra kindness, special attention, favors, or access to slowly blur the boundaries. And they need to recognize when a friend is trying to pull them into choices they know are wrong by making it feel exciting, normal, or hard to say no.

Giving kids permission to pay attention to that uncomfortable feeling, even when the person seems nice, familiar, popular, or trusted by the adults around them, is how we raise their emotional intelligence and protection. Because if strangers are only 7% of the threat, we’ve got a lot more talking and training to do. Our conversations should include teaching kids how to read people, how to see pressure, secrecy, and discomfort before the situation becomes unsafe.

Build a Circle of Trust at Home

And to do that, we want to create that circle of trust in our relationships and our homes with our kids. Keep communication built, an open, nonjudgmental conversation, where our kids know that unconditionally, without a doubt, we always believe them. We support them and we will fight for them.

It’s always us against the world. So today’s topic is child safety tips. What kids need to know about secrets, pressure, and unsafe adults.

And we’re gonna cover friends too. Adults who groom children often look for access, opportunity, and places where a child may be easier to pressure. The risk grows when an adult can get close or create secrecy, test small boundaries, and find a child who’s not yet been taught that they are allowed to say no to an adult.

They’re allowed to leave and tell someone that they trust. An unsafe adult will take note of a child or a teen who ignores their own discomfort to just be polite. In fact, they’ll target it.

They may ask invasive questions and see whether the child answers anyway. They may cross a small line and watch to see whether that child laughs it off, stays quiet, or worries more about being rude than what just happened. We aren’t talking about weakness here.

It’s often what kids have been taught to do with adults. Be agreeable, be respectful, don’t make a scene. But with the right conversations, kids can learn to pay attention to that uneasy feeling instead of talking themselves out of it.

They can learn that discomfort is actually just information and they don’t owe an adult an answer and that there are safe ways to leave, get help, and tell. Today’s focus is going to be more on in- person interactions and I’m saving online safety for a separate episode because I think it deserves its own conversation and its own set of skills. Yeah, this is such an important topic to be talking about in noticing behavior and early signs of pressure because as you mentioned, so many people who pressure kids, even other kids that can come off as very nice and friendly and it can be confusing for a kid.

And this is a topic like I’m certainly interested in. I have two kids, eight, and my daughter’s about to be 12 and they’re both very different. Like my daughter, she’s like skeptical of everybody but my son, everyone is nice and everyone is sort of trustworthy.

And I know like for him, he just wants the world to be happy, safe place. And he’s like, everyone’s so nice. Like even strangers like will be in the store and he’s like, oh, that guy smiled at me.

He’s so nice. And so I’m like navigating this very differently. Well, in a way, both of them because they’re just so different but their school luckily does talk to them about the importance of this for in-person and online.

And I know that like teaching them, nice and safe aren’t always the same thing is super important. And I do definitely, kind of agree with everything you’re saying. Like it’s a skill and the earlier they build it, the better.

Yeah, I think it’s great that your school teaches that safety. They, and I know our schools around here also have a lot of talks and police officers and people coming in, but I am not, nor did I back when our kids were younger rely on anybody else to have any of these conversations with my kids because we need to create that relationship of openness and trust with our kids. So this episode is about empowering parents to kind of open their eyes and talk about, I structured this episode to be a little bit more of a how-to because parents that I’ve worked with have found that these types of specific tips will be most helpful in having the safety conversations that they want to have with their kids that don’t feel scary or fear-based, just like how to explain pressure and how to notice red flags and sensitive topics like what unsafe pressure looks like, how to get your child to trust their gut and the best ways to handle sleepovers.

We’re covering all of that today. I’m going in a different direction from what most topics about safety conversations cover because this is the deeper essence. This is the skill.

I like to talk a lot about building skills for our kids in daily life from not just today, but what can they take with them in the future? So this isn’t just about interacting with an adult at seven or 12 with your daughter, but it’s ongoing and what can they take with them into the future? So let’s get started.

When ‘Don’t Tell’ Becomes the Red Flag

Our first segment is when don’t tell becomes the red flag. One of the strongest safety rules that you can instill in your family is this.

No one gets to ask you to keep secrets from us, not another adult and not a friend.

Create a Family Safe Word

Also, while I’m at it, just as important is having a family safe word. If you haven’t had training conversations with your kids about family safe words, you want to do that.

And it’s really fun to get the kids involved like I always talk about and they pick a funny word and it’s so much going on with AI and fake phone calls and fake FaceTimes. Having a safe word is one of the most important things you can do as well. But also teaching kids about not keeping secrets and keeping that line of communication open with your kids.

When a child is asked to keep a secret from their mom or dad, it makes them feel confused and worried or guilty, keeping something hidden from the people who care most about them. And I know I’ve got a couple of examples in when we were raising our kids. One of my kids had a neighbor that was sharing with her.

They were probably 13. And the neighbor girl was sneaking out of her house. They had a daylight basement, which is always a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, they had a daylight basement and she was sneaking out and riding her bike like 20 minutes across town to go meet a guy. And also she was sneaking that guy into her daylight basement. And she shared this with my daughter.

And so again, we’re creating this relationship of trust. My daughter told me and the way that I handled it was, you know, thank you for telling me. And then I always ask, do I have permission to tell the mom? Thanks for telling me, but this information stays between you and I. Do you think I should tell this child’s mom? And I, in this case, did get permission to tell the mom and it worked out great.

And the mom was able to catch her in the act. And again, I’m always protecting my sources. You know, I’m not going behind my daughter’s back with this information.

And then in another example, one of my other kids had a friend that was experimenting with drugs. They were doing the vapes, the marijuana vapes. I can’t remember the name, but they were probably, I don’t know, 15, 16.

And I said, you know, thanks for telling me. You know, what do you think we should do about it? Do you think the mom should know? And I was told at that time, absolutely not. Do not tell the mom because I think this information would get back to me for telling.

And I’m like, you got it. And you know, if my kids are telling me these types of secrets, then hopefully that means maybe they’re not doing it. I don’t know.

But again, teenagers are a whole nother beast, but this just gives you an example of some of the conversations to have about secrets. You know, we can practice a conversation with our kids about what to do if this does happen to them.

Give Kids a Safe Exit Plan

If you’re being asked to keep a secret, you wanna give kids a built-in exit plan.

Common advice is to tell us to teach our kids to say to the adult, I don’t keep secrets from my mom and dad or I’m gonna tell them anyway. And that sounds strong. And that sounds like the kind of confidence that we want our kids to have.

However, I don’t agree with that advice. I don’t love putting the responsibility on a child to confront someone who may have bad intentions. Instead, I want kids to know they don’t have to argue, they don’t have to accuse, they don’t have to prove that they know something is wrong.

They can simply say, okay, to get themselves out of that moment and then tell you as soon as they safely can. I’m, like I said, I’m not a fan of confronting an adult in that situation. It’s not the child’s job to manage an unsafe adult or a friend.

Their job is to just get safe and get the information to you. Because when someone has bad intentions, you don’t want your child feeling like they have to be brave enough to challenge them alone. Instead, you want them to know, I can keep myself safe right now and my parent will handle the rest.

This type of training today will go a long way in preparing your child when they’re faced with this in real time. If these situations don’t feel unexpected for them, then they’ll know what to do. Then after talking about secrets, you want to tell them exactly what will happen after they tell you.

How to Respond When Your Child Tells You

So first, when our child comes to us, we don’t under any circumstances react. We just stay neutral and we believe them. This is not the time for an interrogation or showing fear.

A simple, I’m really glad you told me will suffice. Keep it simple and kids need to know that they won’t be blamed, embarrassed or punished for telling you something that’s uncomfortable. So walk them through it.

As part of the practice conversations and just general conversations when you’re driving in the car to sports practice or whatever, just have these conversations easy breezy. So walk them through it. If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable or asks you not to tell us, don’t challenge that person in the moment.

Just get away from that person as safely as possible and then you can come tell us. You won’t be in trouble. You didn’t do anything wrong.

You did the right thing by telling us. They need to hear this from you now in a regular daily conversation. Then follow up with how you’ll have their back by treating the information carefully and not exposing them as your source.

Then follow up with them about how you’ll have their back and you’ll be treating this information carefully and not exposing them as your source, if that’s an option. With older kids or teens, you can say that you’ll always keep their secret if you feel that you can. Like in my earlier example with my kids, you’ll always ask permission to act on the information.

It’s situation dependent, of course, but putting your child in the driver’s seat with trusting you goes a very long way to building that solid, open, communicative relationship that you want with them.

How Grooming Starts Small

So how grooming starts small? What unsafe pressure looks like and sounds like? Not every red flag looks red in the beginning. It often starts pink and small with special attention, private jokes, gifts, favors, extra access, an adult who makes a child feel more mature, more trusted, and more special than the other kids.

These are interactions that you want to prepare your kids for ahead of time. Kids are far more likely to be pressured by someone who seems familiar, fun, helpful, generous, or trusted by the adults around them. And that’s what makes being groomed so confusing to a child.

Unsafe people do not always look unsafe. It’s just the opposite. They may be a helpful neighbor, an admired coach, an older kid who babysits, an over-interested teacher, a family friend, relative, parent, or even a step-parent, which are exactly the examples of what I saw during my grand jury experience.

What matters is not whether someone seems nice. What matters is whether they are trying to create secrecy, special access, gentle pressure, distance between your child and you. And I would say this very plainly to your kids.

No adult, older kid, friend, coach, teacher, or neighbor gets to ask you to keep something from me that makes you feel confused, uncomfortable, trapped, guilty, or weird inside. And I would add, when someone says, don’t tell your mom or dad, that is not a little thing. That is your signal to tell us, and that is a red flag.

What Unsafe Pressure Can Sound Like

Some statements to watch for would be, you’re so special, but don’t tell your parents we talk. Your parents would not understand. You can tell me things that you can’t tell anyone else.

I trust you more than other kids. You’re so mature for your age. You’re my favorite, or you know I would never hurt you.

You can take that to the bank when people tell you something that they are or aren’t. It’s the opposite. A single comment doesn’t automatically mean someone is unsafe, but when someone repeatedly makes your child feel specially chosen or asks for secrecy, or maybe tests small boundaries, that is a pattern that adults need to take seriously and teach their kids to look for and to tell you about.

Sharing these examples with your kids gives them an idea of what manipulation can sound like before somebody gets the chance to use it. Yeah, I think those are great. That’s actually a lot of what you just said are things that I’m doing now with my kids, and kind of goes to what I mentioned before.

It’s a lot easier with my daughter because she seems to kind of get it, understand it. My son is sort of in denial a little bit about things, so it’s just gonna take a little bit longer, I think, maturity level and whatnot, but I totally love this because I think working it in and talking to kids constantly about this stuff is just so, so important. It’s interesting, you mentioned being on the grand jury.

My father had a grand jury experience many years ago, and that was a lot of, it was several cases, as you know, and in that case, it was a lot of physical harm against children, and again, like you mentioned, all adults, they knew and trusted, and I was in college at the time, and he actually called me up crying. Oh, it was, he just was like, just all the stuff I’m seeing, this is so terrible. So as you mentioned, it’s just super important conversations to have, and definitely I’m trying to do that as well, and it’s like having these conversations are super important because as you mentioned way earlier, I’m still in the generation where everything was stranger danger, and that’s all my parents knew to teach me, so this is kind of new territory, but luckily, conversations like these help propel the conversation forward, and not only was I not raised with these types of nuanced conversations, I was just kind of raised in an environment, kind of got handed down from my grandmother, was like children should be seen and not heard kind of thing, just be polite, give this Aunt Susie a hug, even if you haven’t seen her in 10 years, so that’s kind of how I was raised, so I don’t even know if I would be equipped as a young kid with how to handle these situations, so definitely think these conversations are super important to make sure our kids are equipped to handle all these types of situations.

I remember reading about a girl that was raped, and she was found in the woods, it was, I don’t know, late 70s maybe, and I remember being really scared that was gonna happen to me, she was my age, she was stolen from a gas station, and she was about my age at the time, and I remember being really upset, and I think I was crying at night, my mom came into my room, like what’s wrong, and I said, well, I’m really worried that’s gonna happen to me, ah, you’re fine, nah, you know, and okay, you know, and I kind of just had to work through those feelings of fear, and nobody was having training conversations, or you know, and I’m not blaming her, times were simpler back then, but if we think today that we shouldn’t be addressing this stuff with our kids, and just entering these conversations into our regular day, you know, cutting out articles, whatever, the temptation is that we don’t want to scare our kids, and actually it’s quite the opposite, that information is empowerment,

Stop Teaching Politeness at the Expense of Personal Instinct

So my third segment here is: let’s stop teaching politeness at the expense of personal instinct and listening to your gut. Some of us have to unlearn the idea that children should be polite to adults no matter what. You know, we tell them, say hello, give them a hug, answer the grownup, don’t be rude.

There is a time and a place to teach manners, and I want my kids to know how to look an adult in the eye, offer a firm handshake, and speak with confidence when I’m right there with them, but that’s a very different thing from an adult waiting for a moment that the child is alone so they can test a small boundary or ask an uncomfortable question, and they want to see if the child is going to remain polite or whether they’ll push back or walk away. So I want kids to hear this clearly from their parents. You are never required to be polite when you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, pressured, or confused with an adult.

That does not mean that we raise our kids to be disrespectful. It means that we’re teaching them discernment, being aware of and listening to their own instincts. You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to refuse the hug with a simple no thank you. You are allowed to leave, and you are allowed to say I don’t like that, and you’re always allowed to call me. I’m here for you whenever you need me.

Teach Kids to Trust Their Gut

Another person’s comfort doesn’t matter more than your safety, and respecting adults doesn’t mean automatic compliance. Kids are allowed to pause, check in with themselves, and respond based on what their instincts are telling them. And this takes practice in like low-stakes moments.

You know, like let them come stand beside you without forcing them to explain themselves in the moment. That’s how kids learn that their instincts are also allowed in the room. I’ve talked a lot about helping connect ourselves and our kids to our gut instincts and how to listen to our own feelings that instead of the external drivel that’s out there, always checking from within.

Talking intuition may seem mystical to some, but it doesn’t have to be. Our kids can be shown how to recognize the signs of the hair standing up on the back of their neck or their chest tightening or that weird feeling in their stomach. They should always believe themselves, just like we tell them we will always believe them.

We are our own best compass, and that is a skill that our kids can lean on for the rest of their life.

Build More Trust With Your Child

Children are more likely to come to you when something feels wrong if they already know you will listen, believe them, and help without immediately blaming or embarrassing them. Sue’s free parenting quiz will help you understand your natural parenting style, the strengths you bring to your relationship, and the hidden patterns that may be affecting communication and trust at home.

Take the Free Parenting Quiz