Am I a Bad Mom or Dad? The Truth About Parenting Burnout

Parenting burnout can turn one hard moment into a painful question: Am I a bad mom or dad? When you’re exhausted, yelling, or struggling with your child’s behavior, it’s easy to treat a difficult day as proof that you’re failing.

In this episode, Sue and Randee explore how to separate your self-worth from your child’s behavior, interrupt the fear spiral, make one small shift when overwhelm takes over, and ask for support before burnout builds.

This is the Ask Mom Parenting Podcast. I’m Sue and with me is Randee and today we’re supporting parents who are so burned out they may be questioning their worth as a mom or dad. Please help us reach any of your friends or family who might also be struggling with the same doubts by sharing, liking, or commenting.

It’s 10 47 p.m. way past your six-year-old’s bedtime. Night after night you’re struggling to get this child to sleep. Tonight you are fed up and out of ideas so you scream her to sleep.

You slam the door and then you’re met with dishes undone, laundry unfolded, and you have an early wake up tomorrow. And to top it off, your screamed out child is now screaming back, you are such a mean mom. And for a second, even though you know better, it lands.

You think, am I a bad mom? Am I messing her up by raising my voice and yelling at her so loudly? Why can’t I handle this better? That is how fast it happens. One hard moment turns into a whole story about who you are as a mom or dad. But several hard moments are not a verdict.

Today’s episode, Am I a Bad Mom or Dad? The Truth About Parenting Burnout is going to explore the useful ideas for when self-doubt creeps in. And let’s be honest, most of the time that question doesn’t show up when things are going well. It shows up when you’re tired, when your child is melting down, when you’ve lost your patience, when you’re out of ideas, and when the invisible work that we do daily has piled up and nobody seems to notice or care.

Becoming a parent stretches our heart, it tests our patience, and it reshapes who you are all at once. You can read the books, you can hear the advice, and you can watch other people do it, but nothing fully prepares you for the moment that that child becomes yours. And suddenly you’re responsible for this whole human being while still figuring out parts of yourself.

Parenting holds so much love and so much exhaustion all in the same room. Some days feel sweet and almost sacred, and other days feel thankless, like you’ve given everything that you have and still went to bed wondering if it was enough. So much of what parents do is invisible.

Noticing the shoes are too small, remembering who won’t eat crust that week, tracking snacks and screen time and appointments and emotions and carrying all of the tiny details. We pour a quiet investment into our kids, but when it goes unseen, unrecognized, or even rejected, it’s easy to start wondering if your efforts are working or if you’re doing enough. So before you jump into assuming that this struggle says something about who you are as a mom or a dad, let’s separate the burnout from the guilt and the actual problem that is in front of you.

This is what we’re covering today. When hard starts feeling like failure, why your child’s behavior is not your parenting report card. The one small move that stops the spiral and the tool that most parents wait too long to use before burnout takes over.

Yeah, that is so true. And that spiral and that struggle is so real. And usually it doesn’t have anything to do with, you know, how we’re parenting, but it’s really hard not to feel that way in the moment.

I have definitely been there. And I know through talking with other people that have kids the same age as my kids and that are around my age, and I’ve even read a lot, that people today, especially with younger kids, like we’re just trying to do better. That’s like one of the main goals.

Like, hey, I just want to do better, you know, than, you know, when I had grown up. And it doesn’t even have to be like you had a bad childhood. It’s just like, I want to do that little bit better, right? But it’s like, and in that it’s so easy to just have a lot of pressure on you.

And especially there’s like social media and all this advice out there. And I do really think that that pressure is a part of why just a messy day can start to feel like a personal failure instead of, you know, just a hard day. Isn’t that funny? Have you seen the recent trend where everyone’s going back to the nineties, mom? Yes.

I’m laughing because like, you know, I had my first kid in the nineties and you know, there were phones, there was, there was a lot, I don’t know. I’m like, how about the eighties mom? Because like, we really, really were, you know, bootstrapping it through, through nothing, through no phones, through no, through nothing. But it’s, it’s true.

We are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves and sometimes we do have to sort of, you know, just zoom out and think about what are we asking of ourselves and what does the child really need? And it can really feel like it starts to pile up.

When Hard Starts Feeling Like Failure

So the first segment is when hard starts feeling like failure. And let’s just keep in mind that some of the best things in life started out as disappointments.

What you’re most upset about today may become the story that you’re grateful for tomorrow. And I know this might sound ungrateful, but in my case with my triplets, you know, we went to have our second baby and dropped a couple eggs, one split. I ended up with what, you know, three babies at once.

And I went from one to four kids overnight and I couldn’t tell people for a couple of weeks that I was having triplets without crying. I mean, for me, that was, you know, it’s not like it was a disappointment, but it was, it was, it was a new reality that he never in 1 million years expected. It was, it was big, you know, a bigger car, more school tuitions, more, more food, more, just everything started to just sort of hit me at once.

And, uh, and certainly it’s turned out to be one of the best things. Well, probably the best thing that’s ever happened, you know, outside my marriage. But here’s a quick way to interrupt self doubt almost instantly.

Is It Hard, or Is It Just New?

And I love this little quote so much. We used it with our kids, uh, when they were growing up and it just sort of helps bring everything back into focus. Is it hard or is it just new? And I think every one of us probably agrees that parenting is hard.

I think any stranger on the street, you’re going to meet anybody. They’re going to get parenting is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s also new. And every single day you face a brand new phase that makes you feel like a first time parent again.

You may have parented a toddler before, but you have not parented this toddler in this season with this temperament while being this version of yourself. Every day unfolds to something new that you never faced before. Something you need to teach, train, role model, learn something we haven’t experienced and are unprepared for.

There are some new version of your child testing independence limits and your patience all at the same time. Nobody prepares you for the day that your child walks into the kitchen, drops their pants and says, is this a rash or am I dying? Every single day we’re taking some new hits. There was a study done on stress levels from facing new experiences.

And the study found uncertainty is so stressful that people would rather know for sure something bad is coming rather than sit in the unknown. And in this particular study, people knew that they had a 100% chance of receiving a mild shock and they were less stressed about that than the people who had a 50% chance of receiving a shock. The uncertainty itself created the higher stress response.

So what does that tell us? It’s now official. Parenting puts us in a constant state of stress from unknowns and uncertainty. It is no wonder that we’re second guessing ourselves.

Who’s prepared for this? So you decide you’re failing, ask, is this hard or is it just new? The correct answer is every day is new. So give yourself some grace. One of the fastest ways to lose the grip on that bad mom or dad feeling is to say the quiet part out loud.

Tell a close friend, tell your partner, tell your sister, tell another mom at the park. Honestly, tell some rando in the grocery store if she looks equally over it. Just say it out loud.

This parenting gig is hard. This feels thankless. I yelled at my kid today and I feel bad or I have no idea what I’m doing today.

There’s something powerful about declaring your truth with zero apologies for it. Most of the time when you say it out loud, someone else also exhales and says, holy crap, me too. And suddenly you’re not alone in your kitchen wondering if you’re the only one barely holding it together.

You’re just the mom in a hard moment standing next to another mom who has also had plenty of her own. I gave myself permission to say the hard things out loud when my kids were growing up. If my kids had earned an allowance based on the number of times that they heard me tell them this is so thankless, they probably could have paid for college, a graduate degree, and maybe a little starter home.

But we do what we have to do to get through the moments. So when your child melts down, talks back, refuses to listen, or if you scream your kid to bed tonight, instead of asking yourself, what am I doing wrong? Just remind yourself, is this hard or is it just new? And then remind yourself that you’re not alone in your doubt.

Your Child’s Behavior Is Not Your Parenting Report Card

So segment two, is your child’s misbehavior proof that you’re failing or is it just the trigger that wakes up your fear? How many of us are living this? Your child has a meltdown, talks back, refuses to listen, lies to you, or loses it over something completely irrational.

And instead of thinking my child is struggling with this skill of respect or resiliency or manners, your brain goes straight to, what am I doing wrong? This is a fear loop and it pulls you down like quicksand. Because once you point your child’s misbehavior back to yourself, it becomes about you and your self-worth and your ability to parent. And that’s when the burnout starts to creep in.

Fear says, I’m failing. My child is acting this way because I’m not doing enough. Other moms or dads would know what to do.

And this is proof that I’m messing up my child. Your child’s behavior may be the trigger to that fear, but you’re letting the fear be the storyteller. Behavior happens in just a singular moment, but the fear tells you that it’s your child’s whole identity.

Fear is an illusion. It starts in your own thoughts. And guess who’s in charge of your thoughts? You are.

So before you believe your bad parent story, pause and consider, how am I defining a bad parent? Am I just bad or am I afraid? Maybe you define bad as yelling, repeating patterns from childhood, like hitting, swearing, punishing. Maybe you’re just afraid that you don’t know what to do next as a parent. Okay, we can deal with that.

Fear can be worked with, but shame just keeps you stuck in that loop. Take a moment to define it for yourself. Maybe even write it down.

Three Ways to Interrupt the Fear Spiral

Here’s three small ways to interrupt fear in that moment.

1. Name the Fear Without Making It the Truth

Number one, name the fear without making it the truth. Instead of saying, I’m a bad mom or dad, say, I’m having fear that I’m not doing this right.

Now you’re not declaring it as a fact. I’m a bad mom. You’re naming a feeling and feelings are not facts.

I’m having fear that I might not be parenting right. When you isolate the feeling, you’re one step closer to changing it.

2. Shrink the Story Back Down to the Moment

Number two, shrink your big story back down to the moment.

Fear and uncertainty, like we talked about earlier, love to take one hard moment and drag it out into the future. He’s always going to be that disrespectful kid, or she’s never going to listen to me. And I’m never going to know what else to do, but scream at my kids.

Summon the courage for smaller logical steps. Big picture thinking does not apply here. Using words like always, never, those are overwhelming forever feelings.

They cause overwhelming burnout. So make one small decision toward changing your bad mom fear. Decide to be kinder to yourself.

Decide to reach out to one safe person for help, or decide to find a piece of evidence that you are showing up. Meals made, laundry done, a safe roof over your head, or my favorite, find one small reason for gratitude and watch how it magnifies into more goodness. One of my favorite gratitude statements is I don’t have to be their parent.

I get to be their parent. I do that with vacuuming too. I don’t have to vacuum.

I get to vacuum this beautiful house that I’ve worked so hard for. The micro moment is your friend. Wallow in that a bit.

What’s true for the next 10 minutes? Not 10 years, just 10 minutes. Maybe the answer is a snack, you know, a small moment of quiet, holding a boundary or apologizing. Take one small action in that moment and don’t extrapolate it out into the future beyond the end of that moment or that day.

3. Redefine Yourself

Number three, redefine yourself. You don’t need to define yourself as a bad mom. You can change your inner narrative by training your mind with a whole new definition.

For example, I’m the bad mom who became better. Or in my case, I was the yelling mom who became a reformed yeller and now I get to wear it as a badge of honor because I’m really proud of how hard I worked to overcome that. Write your own story.

Put it on paper and remind yourself when you’re feeling burned out. You’re an evolving mom or dad who is learning every day. Today is the day that you reclaim your mind from the old story with something fresh and new.

And last, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention, you know, seeking professional help if it’s needed. You know, I’m covering quick self-help ideas today for the feelings of doom and doubt and just feeling like you’re a bad mom or dad. But these are just basic, covering basic concerns.

But if you’re worried that you’re putting your child in an unsafe situation, please call a trained professional. There’s no shame in making mistakes. There’s only regret that you didn’t take action sooner.

So today is your day if you are feeling that level of overwhelm. Yeah, I love these because it really takes the pressure off. And I love how you talked about naming the fear especially.

You know, a lot of what you said, it just helps us detach our own self-worth from our kids’ behavior, which I think is really important. And I think people really kind of resist that because they feel like they have to be, you know, like parenting has to be all-encompassing to be like this great parent. But it really is okay to detach our own self-worth from our kids’ behavior because kind of basically a lot of what you were saying is it kind of comes back to like when we really reassess, when we ask ourselves like, am I a bad mom? Like in my case, it really brings me back to like I had a bad moment.

I had a bad 10 minutes. Maybe it was a bad day, but we always get that chance to like do it again differently tomorrow. And I think a lot of what you just said definitely, definitely helps with that.

When You’re Spiraling, Change One Thing

Also got me thinking like, you know, sometimes there are just like times where we’re overwhelmed, stuck, even spiraling. And, you know, in that spiral or overwhelm, like the tools we reach for just aren’t working, or maybe we blank and we don’t know what the tools even are anymore. So if someone’s in one of those moments, what do you suggest? Yeah, spiraling, you know, I’ve been there.

You know, and when you’re spiraling, I have found that changing one thing really makes a difference. Okay. When the mood in the house is going down fast, complicated parenting strategies are not what you need.

Muster the courage for the smaller step that can be the bigger rescue. During that feeling of overwhelm, your brain wants to make the problem huge. You know, I need to fix this child.

I need a better routine. I need to stop yelling forever. You know, I need to become a completely different mother by dinner.

Those thoughts make exhaustion feel even worse. So start smaller. Change one simple manageable thing.

Go outside for three minutes, move into a different room, turn down the noise, switch up your room or your perspective. Decide tonight is takeout night. Okay.

Declare a break for yourself. You’re in charge. Sometimes the smallest change is enough to shift the direction of the entire day.

As soon as you feel that it gets heavy. If you feel yourself ready to snap, you still have choices. You can choose not to argue.

You can choose to just let this go. You can choose to say, I am too frustrated to handle this right now. So I’m going to pause for a few seconds.

We are not solving motherhood in these few seconds. Okay. We are just interrupting the direction of that spiral in the moment.

One small shift reminds you I’m not trapped. I can move. I can choose.

I can lead the next minute better than I did the last one. I love that change, especially change one thing. I’ve actually had really good experience with that.

Um, there was actually a little period of time when like my son was just having a hard time in the morning and like we’d walk to the bus stop and I noticed like he’d be ready, might have an issue with like something, whatever, something small problem. And I, if he’d be ready to go, I’d say, okay, just, just go outside and wait. And if you’d go out and the porch on the driveway.

And I started doing that when the kids were spiraling, if we were, especially if we were headed outside already, I said, okay, go outside and wait. Cause as soon as they stepped outside, they didn’t want to act out, right. There might be neighbors or someone down the street and that going outside just changed everything.

Um, in that moment, like they just would magically like, you know, kind of not spiral anymore. You know, they still be mad and upset, but they wouldn’t spiral. Like they might do like a whole tantrum in the house.

So I definitely love the change one thing. And I have tried that in moments and I think it works very well. Yeah.

I like the idea of just, just that interruption and just that redirect and little kids are so easy to redirect, but again, you know, we’ve got to keep ourselves under control. We have to first recognize I’m spiraling, or I see that things are going sideways right now with the kids. And I am in charge of being able to come up with the idea that’s going to interrupt that.

And I, I, you know, it’s a great idea to take them outside just to kind of get a different perspective, go breathe some fresh air. But I love that example. And that’s exactly what I’m talking about.

The Tool Most Parents Wait Too Long to Use

So the last segment is the tool that most parents wait too long to use. And sometimes we need more than just ideas. We need reassurance and validation and someone who can relate to us.

There’s this unspoken expectation that a good mom or dad is always patient, always grateful, always creative, and, you know, always ready with this meaningful activity. And that is not our job. Our kids activate their own imaginations.

Real parenting includes boredom, frustration, repetitive tasks, hard phases, and days when the goal is simply to just get everybody fed, everybody safe, and everyone in bed, including myself. And, you know, and that counts. Community and support are the key to buying yourself time on those burned out days.

Having the courage to ask someone that you trust to help in some small way is how you’ll avoid burnout from accumulating. You know, I remember distinctly being a donkey on the edge because I don’t know, or maybe 10 and seven or something. I was like right in the thick of it.

And I think my husband noticed the wild look in my eyes and he decided to take the kids, all four kids camping. And when I tell you that I stayed up until my eyelids quit, I was up until two in the morning. Like, I don’t, I just did not want to miss a single awake moment of this freedom.

I was watching, you know, Sex and the City reruns. It was glorious. I was so free.

I didn’t have a single demand on me. You know, if my husband hadn’t done that, I was really on the verge of, you know, those hotels, those extended-stay hotels. You could just go and stay for a week.

I was actually thinking like, I’m going to do that. Could you imagine how awesome that would be to stay in a hotel and get room service and just be not needed in any way and just tell my husband, hey, take some vacation days. I was ready to consider that idea.

And it just, it’s all of us get there. All of us reach our boiling point or our moment where we just need to take a breath and clear our brains. So, you know, help is the critical piece that is going to help that burnout from accumulating.

Like I said, ask a family member to help with a routine or maybe an errand or pick up your groceries. So you don’t need to pack all the kids in the car, trade play dates with another parent, you know, just to give yourself, even if it’s just an hour of free time, join a support group or take a local parenting class where you’ll meet other parents that are all in the same boat. And you also have the choice to lower your expectations so that you’re less disappointed.

You know, that works. We can mind trick ourselves because sometimes if we have too high of expectations that this is going to get done, or the kids are going to be happy to help us or whatever, just lower those. And then all of a sudden we’re not disappointed.

The number one tool to avoid burnout and to avoid those feelings of I’m a bad mom is to ask for help and have community. And we cannot do this alone.

You Are Not a Bad Parent

So no, I am rejecting that any bad moments make you a bad mom or dad.

We’ve all done regrettable things. They don’t define you, but they do deserve your attention. Maybe it’s your child or the repeat pattern or the fear, exhaustion, or the support you’ve been trying to live without.

Notice that and then own what needs to be owned and change what needs to be changed. And then just keep going with your head held high. That is how parenting works for all of us.

Not perfectly, but honestly. Are you curious about what kind of parent you are? That is exactly what my free parenting quiz reveals. In about three minutes, it will show you your natural parenting style, the strengths that you’re already bringing into the home, and the hidden traps that may be creating more of the conflict that you’re so tired of.

There’s no perfect score. There’s nothing to fail. It’s just a quick insight that can help you understand yourself a little bit better as a parent.

Take the quiz at askmomparenting.com forward slash quiz. Thank you so much for listening and happy parenting.

Discover Your Parenting Style

Curious about what kind of parent you are? Sue’s free three-minute parenting quiz will reveal your natural parenting style, the strengths you already bring to your home, and the hidden traps that may be creating more of the conflict you’re tired of. There’s no perfect score and nothing to fail – just useful insight to help you understand yourself better as a parent.

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